Cow Menace In India

by Ramesh Mahadevan

Man, I just returned from this third world country called India and I am appalled by all the poor sanitary conditions there. My nose is all messed up and I don't think my appetite will ever be the same any more. I will never be able to drink Mountain Dew again. The whole of India is one giant bathroom. Indians are preoccupied only with relieving themselves, here, there and everywhere. So much so, now after two months since I came back, I get this incredible bladder itch anytime I see a wall. In fact, I can present a socio-scatological analysis and the comparitive advantages of broad gauge tracks over meter gauge tracks and psychological profiles of the Great Urinator. Even SCI is isomorphic to India in its pathetic sanitary conditions. In my opinion, this is the only problem that the Indian government needs to solve and instead the stupid politicians are interested in dumb things. But folks, I am going to focus my attention on another great problem which has been ignored by all the planning commisions - the Great Cow Menace in India and their poor toilet habits.

You know, dudes and dudettes, that India has millions of these creatures. You can't walk ten yards in India without bumping into a cow or its end product. Cows in India should be trained to control themselves. It isn't that major a task, given the advances made in Skinnerian conditioning. Take any cow and train it like a dog. Give it a mild electric shock or prod it till it learns not to urinate anywhere on the road. Who said it will be simple, especially since the cows are so inept in India that even speeding trucks slow down and swerve around them. You can employ many of the large numbers of unemployed youths to do these socially useful jobs.

You have to look for creative ideas to combat this serious problem. How about for example using diapers on these animals ? I am sure diaper manufacturers like 'Huggies' and 'Pampers' make the extra-extra-large diapers for the future football player babies and so the know-how already exists. We can import them and wrap them around the cows. Sure, these diapers are not environmentally friendly and will have to be trashed in large land-fills. But at least, that will look prettier than the slimy scoops of poop everywhere.

Look at New York City for example. They have a law that forces people to clean up after their dogs. You see all these ladies and gentlemen walking their dogs and when the dogs drop their whacchammacallit, they don't feel silly or embarrassed. They don't curse the dogs. They gladly scoop it up with a smile and civic pride. Why can't the people in India do the same thing with the cows and follow the animals with a pan ?

Cows in India are not merely animals randomly coloring the Indian landscape, but they are a part of the ecosystem as well. They are genetically mutant, because they not only eat paper and digest printing ink, they even photosynthesize proteins from nitrogen. But recently they are using tetrapaks in India to package beverages and fruit juices and these disposable packs have an aluminum lining and the cow is confused about whether to digest the aluminum or not, thus producing non-biodegradable excremants. This again is not good for the country. This again complicates an already tough problem on hand.

For example, they can build Parking Lots for the cows at various places in the city so that the cows can go there and do their acts privately and make it easier for people to clean up later on. And have you ever been to Kanpur Central railway station ? It is almost Hell Junction. The platforms have a million push cart vendors, ear-cleaners, coolies and yes, a thousand cows. What will a visitor to Kanpur think if all they see is a bovine welcome. They have to be very careful to avoid the cow chips and it isn't funny to carry your suitcases and play Hop Scotch on the station platform. And they have 'Men's and 'Women's restrooms on the platform. Why couldn't they have built one for the cows ? Here is where the Indian planners lack the foresight. When you have the third largest pool of engineers and scientists and when the World Bank and IMF freely lend money to India, why can't they plan well.

And where do you think the cows get their mental attitudes from ? From the people, of course ! You don't even need any complex analysis to arrive at this. In India most cows and water buffalos are brown in color, like the people. They are also lazy, inept and dirty, like the Indians. All they do is eat and crap. They see all these people relieving themselves all over the country. Even my uncle who is a well-regarded IAS officer sprays the walls of Vigyan Bhavan five times a day. These cows see the Indians merely as an extension of themselves and copy their habits and say to themselves "What the heck ?" and raise their tails in an arch at all kinds of places. Instead of setting an example to the cows we spoil them rotten by calling them 'Holy Cows'.

Don't have a cow, dude ! ....... Bart Simpson.

Copyright(R) Mahadevan Ramesh