An Imaginary Talkshow

An Imaginary Talkshow

by Ramesh Mahadevan

This is only a test message. Skip this one. JJJJJJust kidding.

Actually this is a post about locating a dear friend of mine. Her name is Parvati Devi Venkatanarayanaswamy. Her nickname is also 'Fridge'. She used to be the defensive linesperson for the University of Northern South Dakota football team. She is an alumnus of Jawahar Kindergarten school and then was in IIT Madras, 'passed out' in '83 and twice in '84 and graduated in '86 with a B. Tech in Levitation. I was hoping she would be my girlfriend and yaar, yesterday I took her to this Indian restaurant with my assistantship money in my pocket and we shared one vegetarian thali. After dinner she said "Wait a minute, I will be back" and has been missing ever since. Finders please let me know. My email address is given below.


"I am Dr. Ruthless and this is Sexually Sneaking. Helloooo, You are oooooon the aairrr. Okay"

"Hi, Dr. Ruthless, (a shrill responsive 'Hi' from Dr. Ruthless) I am calling from the Boston area, my name is Ajay Palvayanteeswaran, not my real name. But you can call me Jock Careless Satan Masskillo, my real name. I have a few problems..."

"All sexual problems, I hope, hee hee"

"Well, not exactly. I have over two or three billion problems. That is how many Muslims and Chinese and Hindus and Muslim apologists and Muslim apologists apologists there are and if only they would embrace the Western civilization.." "Hindus - yes, yes, they produced the Kamasutra, very erotic"

"But actually my problem is with the Muslims. I have this thing against them. But I try to invent reasons to justify my prejudice. Yes, now I know why this religion is so horrible. In the year 1843 a Muslim in West Africa killed a non-Muslim. Isn't it terrible ? So, everybody should hate all Muslims"

"Ah, Come on Mr. Masskillo, don't waste my TV air time. Come to the sex problem"

"Actually see, I am an open minded person. I know the King of Jordan personnally. The prince of Saudi Arabia and I would ride the same camel, till the camel objected to my bboard postings. A small Sheikdom even asked me to be their princess. But I told them that the Western civilization needed my thinking, ("I don't think so" - Dr. Ruthless) although I would love to have cliterodec-whatchamacallitomy done on me. The late Ayatollah, may he languish in peace, always addressed me as the 'Great one' and sometimes as the "Grrrrrreat one". Boy, I loved stroking his beard. You see, I have relatives in all the countries of the world. I can't help it, my ancestors were quite promiscuous. I had many dates when I was in Arabia and they were not all palm dates ("Hee hee" - Dr. Ruthless) See, when it comes to girls, I don't discriminate. Actually I was quite surprised to see that the West really had some influence on this backward race. These barbarians actually wear clothes and eat cooked food."

"One moment Mr. Masskillo...Hi MOM!! Let's see, and so this must have affected your sex life, then. Freud would have said that you are still in your anal stage, stuck up in a very serious way. "

"Yes, I am aware of it. The problem began when I started memorizing some Persian dictionaries while I was in China. This way, all I had to do was say something in Arabic and follow it up with a lot of filth about the Muslims and fool everybody into thinking that I knew what I was talking about. Also, if people refute my gibberish with logical arguments, I always tell them I am from Harvard and then they have no argument"

"Wait, I think I just discovered an interesting sex therapy. In fact, they should make all the rapists and other sexual perverts read your postings over and over and very soon they will become nauseous, neurotic and soon get over their perversion and start tearing their hair. But then, you might brand me as a rapist-pervert-apologist and post a ton of crap on the bboard."

"I am not finished yet. Nehru was a liar. Gandhi was a wife-beater. Jinnah used to belch loudly. Everyone in the middle east is a moron."

"But your problem is well-defined and ..."

"Shut up, you Muslim apologist, you know nothing. I know everything. No one knows anything. I know everything. East or West, home is best. East meets West. Westside story. Therefore Muslims are all bad. By the way, why don't you personally discuss cliterodectrorotoxicologicadermy with your viewers, you coward cow? I dare you. Let them decide about which of the four types is ...."

The line is cut. "Mr. Masskillo, decorum please. Okay ?" Dr. Ruthless is too embarrassed and shaken for the first time in her life. "You might want to go to the Geraldo show or Morton Downey, if you promise to be at least as civilized as these gentlemen are. We will perhaps return after this commercial break and I am Dr. Ruthless and this is Sexually Sneaking. Okay ?"


All characters and situations in the above post are imaginary and any resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental. All views expressed above are my own and my employers have nothing to do with it. Narayan S. Raja's hilarious Dr. Matrix articles inspired me to write this, although he is not responsible for the way it turned out. (What the heck, everyone is entitiled to some bad posts) By the way, my lawyer is one of the best in Pittsburgh.

Copyright(R) Mahadevan Ramesh