Profiles Of Some soc.culture.indian Posters

Profiles Of Some soc.culture.indian Posters

by Ramesh Mahadevan

(all names used in this article are imaginary - my first ever post some five years ago !)

  1. Very Late Bloomer Esiason
    He is tickled to death by some hackneyed offensive 'joke' that most people would have heard a million times by the time they get out of high school. While laughing hysterically, he pounces on the terminal and mails it to s.c.i. Periodically, he will also post the liquid oxygen joke and some joke about the Pope and Reagan and for the n+1 th time, the X+1 syndrome article that he just came across. When serious, he will wonder why Indians don't date or why there are so few Indians in ballet. Other frequently asked questions by him are what ABCD means or if sardars are called surds.
  2. Know-it Alli
    This killjoy knows everything. Just when a discussion is heating up and when you thought you could post your opinion for the first time on the net, this guy will finess it with an all-encompassing post on things like the reign of Samudra Gupta, including the names of everyone in his harem. He is the only one who knows the date when zero was invented.
  3. Thiruvengadu Opinionswamy
    This guy has an opinion on everything, from tiger's mating calls to stuffed parathas. He has to mail at least one post a day and carry discussions on three or four topics simultaneously. Most of the time his opinions are bland and non-controversial. His high point comes when some sensitive person actually gets bugged by his opinion and starts a jihad, which Mr. Opinionswamy wins by attrition. He is a eleventh year Ph.D student in Computer Sciences.
  4. Joacim Martillo
    This baffling prehistoric mutant, a member of the brontosauraus family, is an interesting subject for several psychologists and medicine researchers alike, who are trying to find a cure for his rabies. He alternately pukes over his terminal or sits on the keyboard and sends the pollution to the bboard.
  5. Contro Contrapadhyay
    He makes statements that are so controversial that once even the editors of The Hindu found it fit to respond to s.c.i. He would say, for the heck of it, that Amitabh Bachchan is a woman or North Indians don't take showers or I am, therefore I am not. He then has a lot of fun watching the others fight it out.
  6. Kiran Bore
    He writes at least three screenfuls (or six if he is awake) on some topic that is very interesting to him. It could be on the inflation in Tanzania or the effect of planet's positions on house plants.
  7. S.E.L.F. P.I.T.Y Rao
    He gets defensive and explains himself even if nobody cares, like why he is not a bigot and how he is broadminded. He indulges in an unwanted autobiography, with gory details of his pitiful childhood, of course without any punch lines.
  8. Ned Mithaiwala
    This is the kind of guy who is disgustingly sweet. He wishes everyone a happy this or that. One time, so as not to offend anyone, he posted a whole message with nothing but smileys all over.
  9. Sunil Controversy Extender
    He starts it all over again, just when we thought it is over. Just last month his post begged to find out if it is true that Smitha Patil indeed died and who the father of her child is.
  10. Alumnus Sinha
    He is the kind of guy who is born to be the president of the local Indian Association. He perpetually looks out for his Kindergarten classmates and the addresses of their sisters. Since his last year's year book is already obsolete, he is compiling a brand new one this year. Even if you never lived on the same planet as he does and don't ever want to meet him, send him mail That would certainly make him happy.
  11. Joe Confucious
    He usually posts under the name John. Q Public. He has two or three points of view depending on who he actually is, who you think he is and whose computer account he is using. His favorite sentence is "This is not what I meant".
  12. Ajay Superindian
    He typically asks the net people about the best place to get Rolls Royces or an Indian Ayah. He would go to India and is offended by people begging on the streets and the hot climate that almost killed him. He would then post a heartbreaking article on trains being not punctual and how inconvenienced he was in a third world country such as India. Next year he will go to Brussels and wants to know what to see there.
  13. Srini Testaverde
    The highlight of his life was when he posted a test message successfully and saw his name in full glory on the net news. When he was slightly less nervous he even added a cute one liner with his test message. The clincher was when he got so bold he sneaked in a second test message just to see if anyone noticed.
  14. Ramesh Morpholojeeth
    He is the kind of guy who wastes his time trying to categorize s.c.i posters. Since he tries to be funny, he can also be characterized as an 'attempt_at_humor_ist' along with people like 'good enough for the GIs' Bob Hope and Pat Sajak.

Of course, I haven't included other minor characters such as the Trivial Objector, Guess-my-genderji, IIT-M_Cunning_linguist_Machan, Test Message Respondurangan etc. Maybe next time.

Copyright(R) Mahadevan Ramesh