Profiles Of Some soc.culture.indian Posters
Profiles Of Some soc.culture.indian Posters
by Ramesh Mahadevan
(all names used in this article are imaginary - my first ever post
some five years ago !)
- Very Late Bloomer Esiason
He is tickled to death by some hackneyed offensive 'joke' that
most people would have heard a million times by the time they
get out of high school. While laughing hysterically, he pounces
on the terminal and mails it to s.c.i. Periodically, he will
also post the liquid oxygen joke and some joke about the Pope
and Reagan and for the n+1 th time, the X+1 syndrome article
that he just came across. When serious, he will wonder why
Indians don't date or why there are so few Indians in ballet.
Other frequently asked questions by him are what ABCD means or
if sardars are called surds.
- Know-it Alli
This killjoy knows everything. Just when a discussion is heating
up and when you thought you could post your opinion for the
first time on the net, this guy will finess it with an
all-encompassing post on things like the reign of Samudra Gupta,
including the names of everyone in his harem. He is the only one
who knows the date when zero was invented.
- Thiruvengadu Opinionswamy
This guy has an opinion on everything, from tiger's mating calls
to stuffed parathas. He has to mail at least one post a day and
carry discussions on three or four topics simultaneously. Most
of the time his opinions are bland and non-controversial. His
high point comes when some sensitive person actually gets bugged
by his opinion and starts a jihad, which Mr. Opinionswamy wins
by attrition. He is a eleventh year Ph.D student in Computer
- Joacim Martillo
This baffling prehistoric mutant, a member of the brontosauraus
family, is an interesting subject for several psychologists and
medicine researchers alike, who are trying to find a cure for
his rabies. He alternately pukes over his terminal or sits on
the keyboard and sends the pollution to the bboard.
- Contro Contrapadhyay
He makes statements that are so controversial that once even the
editors of The Hindu found it fit to respond to s.c.i. He would
say, for the heck of it, that Amitabh Bachchan is a woman or
North Indians don't take showers or I am, therefore I am not. He
then has a lot of fun watching the others fight it out.
- Kiran Bore
He writes at least three screenfuls (or six if he is awake) on
some topic that is very interesting to him. It could be on the
inflation in Tanzania or the effect of planet's positions on
- S.E.L.F. P.I.T.Y Rao
He gets defensive and explains himself even if nobody cares,
like why he is not a bigot and how he is broadminded. He
indulges in an unwanted autobiography, with gory details of his
pitiful childhood, of course without any punch lines.
- Ned Mithaiwala
This is the kind of guy who is disgustingly sweet. He wishes
everyone a happy this or that. One time, so as not to offend
anyone, he posted a whole message with nothing but smileys all
- Sunil Controversy Extender
He starts it all over again, just when we thought it is over.
Just last month his post begged to find out if it is true that
Smitha Patil indeed died and who the father of her child is.
- Alumnus Sinha
He is the kind of guy who is born to be the president of the
local Indian Association. He perpetually looks out for his
Kindergarten classmates and the addresses of their sisters.
Since his last year's year book is already obsolete, he is
compiling a brand new one this year. Even if you never lived on
the same planet as he does and don't ever want to meet him, send
him mail That would certainly make him happy.
- Joe Confucious
He usually posts under the name John. Q Public. He has two or
three points of view depending on who he actually is, who you
think he is and whose computer account he is using. His favorite
sentence is "This is not what I meant".
- Ajay Superindian
He typically asks the net people about the best place to get
Rolls Royces or an Indian Ayah. He would go to India and is
offended by people begging on the streets and the hot climate
that almost killed him. He would then post a heartbreaking
article on trains being not punctual and how inconvenienced he
was in a third world country such as India. Next year he will go
to Brussels and wants to know what to see there.
- Srini Testaverde
The highlight of his life was when he posted a test message
successfully and saw his name in full glory on the net news.
When he was slightly less nervous he even added a cute one liner
with his test message. The clincher was when he got so bold he
sneaked in a second test message just to see if anyone noticed.
- Ramesh Morpholojeeth
He is the kind of guy who wastes his time trying to categorize
s.c.i posters. Since he tries to be funny, he can also be
characterized as an 'attempt_at_humor_ist' along with people
like 'good enough for the GIs' Bob Hope and Pat Sajak.
Of course, I haven't included other minor characters such as the
Trivial Objector, Guess-my-genderji,
IIT-M_Cunning_linguist_Machan, Test Message Respondurangan etc.
Maybe next time.
Copyright(R) Mahadevan Ramesh