Chronology According To Hindu Fundamentalists

Chronology According To Hindu Fundamentalists

by Ramesh Mahadevan

Warning: This post is intended to be a satire.

March, 3452 BC: Shri Ram is born in Ayodhya, at the very spot where a mosque would be built later to cause much controversy.

Circa 3000 BC: Several fools start writing vedas and upanishads and try to give a philosophical basis to the Hindu religion. These morons should have realized that when eventually Hinduism becomes an organized religion and a social institution, it has a force of its own and very few would care for such philosophical basis.

Circa 2920 BC: A very learned Guru gets frustrated while teaching a moron of a student and invents zero while grading his test.

A few years later: Hindu scientists formulate the General Theory of Relativity and the Unified Field Theory. Much of these theories are hidden in complex sanskrit slokas and a good part of it was smuggled out of the country by the Germans and the British and lost forever.

0 AD: Christianity, an offshoot of Hinduism, is born.

N + 1000 BC to N BC: A hindu golden age, known as Ramrajya, is established over the entire subcontinent. There are temples everywhere. Everyone observes the caste protocols. The cows are happy. Ghee is available in plenty. All computer programs work without any problems.

Breakaway cults: Some non-conformists form cults called Jainism and Buddhism. Rational people put these iconoclasts to shame, so much so, the Buddhists are driven out of India. Understandably many Jain and Buddhist literature and culture had to be destroyed by peaceloving Hindus.

Chandragupta Vikramaditya's period: Another great 'Golden Age' according to most historians. Manusmriti was the law of the land and women were rightfully treated as 'untouchables'. In his next birth, Vikramaditya Chaudhuri joins Oracle Systems and writes on SCI.

Sometime before 10 th century: Islam, another offshoot of Hinduism is born.

The only known episode of hindu atrocity: A Jain was slapped in the wrist by a Hindu in Nalanda University when they were fighting over a girl. The Jain later apologized to the Hindu for provoking him.

Babar's rule: Enormous atrocities are heaped on peace loving Hindus. Even granting that war and stuff like that generally make people irrational, Babar went too far and to top it, he demolished Ram Mandir at the Jhanmabhoomi to make it the pinnacle of his career. He also left about fifteen hundred pieces of irrefutable evidence about his act of demolishing the temple.

Akbar's rule: Commits Hindu atrocity by marrying a Hindu woman and by formulating his own brand of religion called 'Teen Elahi'. Secret service agents suddenly discover that Akbar had failed to renew his visa and that he is actually a citizen of China - he retained his Chinese citizenship because of his Chengiz Khan lineage. The Muslims impose their inferior culture on the hapless Hindu citizens. And a thousand years later they won't even apologize to the Hindus for what their ancestors did many hundred years ago.

Sometime during the Moghul period: Some Hindus start calling themselves Sikhs.

Discovery of Krishna Jhanmabhoomi and other bhoomis : Krishna Jhanmabhoomi was discovered - to be at the exact same spot as the present day Taj Mahal. Shiv Jhanmabhoomi is discovered to be the same as Jamma Masjid and so forth. Hindus rightfully fight for these temples.

1947-48: A fool of a hindu-basher, Mahatma Gandhi, actually organizes fasts to promote amity between the Hindus and Muslims, instead of asking all the Muslims to pack up and go to Pakistan.

Modern India: Muslims start countless, unprovoked riots in India and every time many, many more innocent Hindus die than Muslims. This is despite the Muslims becoming so dominant in every aspect of the society such as in education, civil services and politics - all these gains obtained by systematic exploitation of passive and nice Hindus and the special treatment given to the minorities in general. Hindus sacrifice a lot to the point of self-destruction.

1958: Rekha, a Hindu goddess of love is born.

RSS and VHP emerge as major schools of human thought: Guru Golmalkar emerges as one of the greatest stinkers, I mean, thinkers of the twentieth century. A whole nation follows his footsteps and organizes his thoughts into action. In fact, the RSS philosophy completely replaces ancient outmoded philos such as the Vedas and the Upanishads as the mainstream Hindu school.

VHP grows in strength and status: Vishwa Hindu Parishad becomes a premier secular organization in India and has a number of projects for Muslims as well, including helping out one poor Muslim family in Poona. Muslims, impressed by the compassion VHP has for them, join VHP in millions and even those parochial Muslims who don't join this secular, peaceloving institution, support it unconditionally. Only some idiots on SCI write anti-VHP stuff.

Sikh Overreaction: Many Sikhs overreact, instead of condemning the Punjab terrorists, when only a mere few thousand Sikhs are randomly killed in India by people just venting their anger.

Ajay Shah replaces Joachim Martillo as the bboard bigot: A breath of fresh air (gas ?) on SCI as Ajay Shah enters the SCI and represents Hindu Vishwa Oarishad. (sic) He simplifies many things about our society so that ordinary folks like you and I can understand it. For example, the world has two sets of people, one a true secular hindu and the other pseudo-secular, hindu basher, Marxist Leninist, undemocrat.

October 1990, Kar Seva begins: Several peaceful volunteers want to do Kar Seva at Ayodhya. They only want to 'move' the mosque and not 'destroy' it. If civil engineering can't do it, the Sevaks will.

November 1990: Goonda Gehani, a well known member of the Maryland community exchanges his views with some students at University of Maryland eloquently by beating them up. Ajay Shah posts his hilarious joke on Stalinism. It went roughly as "I couldn't pass it up. You had said the only 'ism' that does not lead to fascism is communism, but how about Stalinism ?" He was going to extend the joke to include Maoism, Subbaraoism and prism. But checks himself so that SCI folks won't laugh themselves silly and develop hernia.

November 1990: Chandra Sekhar, the Millie Vanilli of Indian politics, takes over as the next Prime minister.

December 1990: Guru Alok Vijayvargiaji publishes his treatise on Hinduism, titled "What is Hinduism" on SCI. Though generally hard to comprehend by mere mortals, it essentially said that Hinduism is like a thousand infinities, it is infinite and infinitesimal and it is a he as well as a she. The readers' response was overwhelming and many of them publish their own essays titled "What is Alok Vijayvargia ?"

December 1990: I write this post and have a cup of chai afterward.

Copyright(R) Mahadevan Ramesh